BELLA
The Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, as my daughter and I drive to a suburb west of Boston, the sun warming the car is a welcome reassurance that winter’s truly over. After we locate the blocked-off street and park nearby, Lilah helps me find the right house. She then insists on ringing the doorbell herself. After a few moments, a freckle-faced redhead with a toddler on her hip opens the door.
“Hey, you must be Bella and Delilah. I’m Penny, Cal’s sister. We’re so glad you guys could come!” Ushering us inside, she gestures at a living room where every surface is covered with toys. “You can set your stuff in here before you head out to the street. There are tons of kids at the block party already.” Squatting so that she’s eye to eye with Lilah, she adds, “Don’t worry. I know a big girl like you doesn’t want to play with a baby like Danny here. He has cousins that are older, and there are all ages in the neighborhood. Do you want me to introduce you to some of them?”
“No, thank you,” Lilah says politely. “I’m gregarious.”
Straightening, Penny shoots a brows-up look at me before addressing my little word sponge. “Um, I think that means you’re not shy?”
“That is correct. Also, I prefer Lilah.” Lilah nods solemnly. The way she does everything.
Penny’s monologue seems to have run out, so I steer Lilah toward the living room. “Let’s find a spot for your bag, and then you’ll know where to find it in case you want to take a break and read.”
“How old is she?” Penny mutters under her breath.
“I’m five and three quarters,” Lilah says over her shoulder. After handing her plaid backpack to me—no toy themes for this girl—she turns back to Penny. “I grew up in a bookstore, so I like to read.”
“Good for you.” Penny nods. “Maybe you can teach Danny here.”
When the toddler pulls his thumb from his mouth and slaps his mother on the cheek, Lilah winces. “Maybe.”
Bouncing Danny, Penny walks us to the front door. “I was just about to put him down for an N-A-P, but Cal and Jess are out there somewhere. If I know Cal, he’s probably monitoring the waterslide to make sure the kids are being safe. Did you bring a suit, Lilah?”
“I have it on already.” Lilah lifts her T-shirt to reveal her one- piece. “Also, as soon as he learns to read, you won’t be able to hide things from him by spelling.”
“That is an excellent point.” Penny points a finger at her. “I will keep him ignorant as long as possible.”
Taking my daughter’s hand, I start down the front steps of Penny’s house. “Thanks for letting us stow our stuff here, Penny.”
“Anytime,” she calls over a loud yowl from Danny.
After Penny shuts the door and we head toward the crowd of people down the block, Lilah squeezes my hand. “Don’t worry, Mommy. It’ll be fun.”
I make a pooh-pooh gesture so over-the-top I’d never get away with it onstage. “Who’s worried?”
Her expression makes it clear she’s not buying it.
“Okay, okay, you’re right. I wish I were as outgoing as you.” I put an arm around her and hug her into my side. “But I’ll be fine.”
What my daughter doesn’t know is that when I was a kid, I was even more of an extrovert than she is. Driven by an unquenchable need for the next high—achieved at first through novel experiences, then risk-taking, and finally, sex, drugs, and alcohol—only rock ’n roll was left off the list of my adventures.
These days, I pretend to be an introvert. Makes it easier to keep temptation at bay and to hide from the consequences of past poor choices. Just like on stage, it’s more comfortable for me to play a role than myself.
For instance, today I’ll play the role of laid-back but responsible single mom. I’ll keep an eagle eye on my daughter while pretending not to. The waterslide is at the other end of the block, so I smile and nod at the people who look up as we pass. In this suburban neigh‐ borhood outside of Boston, every single family seems to consist of a mom and a dad and at least two children. Probably a dog and a cat and a canary, to boot.
Lilah has been excited about coming to this block party ever since Cal invited us. She not only has a huge crush on him, she’s adopted his girlfriend Jess as her auntie. Cal’s family is just like the one she’s always wanted—like the families she’s read about in books, with uncles and aunts and grandparents and cousins. And fathers.
None of which my little girl has ever had.
Briefly, an image of her father flashes in my mind. What if he hadn’t disappeared without a goodbye? Would he be walking down this street at my side, helping me watch out for our little girl, his palm on my hip a promise of things we might do later?
As lovely as all that sounds, that’s not my reality, so I pack it away. If I’ve learned one thing in this life so far, it’s that there’s only one person I can truly rely on, and that’s me.
Besides, what Lilah doesn’t know can’t hurt her.
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